Today is a horible day for me. I intented the title of this post to be *insertavulgarityhere* up life, but after looking things out, things changed. Today is Christmas Eve. It's also the day i cried the longest i did in my entire life. It's the 2nd time i cried in the past 2 to 3 years, or rather, my secondary school life.
My dad did some stuff this morning which i'm not gonna go into details, but it managed to make me mad enough to jump off my bed and pushed him across the hall. I intented a punch along but i couldn't do it. I blew my lungs out at him and walked away. The second thing i did today was to let out a little of my feelings on my mum when she got some food for me, knowing that i wouldn't really take the food by myself. She did it out of good will and i raised my voice at her a little. Really, what am i becoming? I was in the bus and i thought of all these things that i have done alone in a single day. They didn't deserve that. They loved me more than anyone. I had a little breakdown in the bus and started wiping tears off which i couldn't hold back. And when i got home, i onto my bed and cried out everything. I cried out to God for forgivness, for him to tell me what to do. The moment i got off, i broke back into tears once more.
I really love my family and friends. I would do anything that i could for them. My dad loves me so much that when i missed the last bus the night before, he drove all the way to the MRT station to pick me up. On the way up back, he complained that his knee was giving him troubles. After our quarrel this morning, i turned my head during service(we were separate cause we were late) only to see my father rubbing his eyes. He looked so old, so frail and weak. I knew i broke his heart. If he wasn't crying on the outside, he was crying an ocean deep inside. I love him alot no matter what happened between us. If his knee was to give way one day, i would willingly give my leg to him. If his eyesight were to detoriate till it can't be used, i'll replace his with mine. If he needed blood, i would pump every single drop of what i have into him.
I'm breaking into tears once again, what i want is someone to be able to count on. Someone to hug me, look me in the eye and tell me that everything's alright. Someone to lend me their shoulder to cry on. Someone who would offer a tissue to dry my tears. But whenever someone does that, i'll reject him.
So right now, if i ever offended you, and you want to get back at me, now's the time. All my defences are down. Hit me as hard as you want, i won't fight back. My walls are crumpled. Everything..shattered.
